“Having an outstanding relationship can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life, whereas being in a toxic relationship, can be one of the most stressful things you will ever encounter.  Love is created and not found.”                                           …Manny Garcia

I am about to share with you Five Secrets to Outstanding Relationships, but before I do, I want to congratulate you for taking action in creating the relationships that you’ve always wanted.  Many people know what they want, but very few actually take the steps necessary in order to turn their dreams or desires into reality.   By you taking the time to read and study this, you have elevated yourself to the top 5% of the population whom take pro-active approaches to better themselves and the lives of their loved ones.

These five secrets are little things that when practiced everyday, will create amazing lasting results.  Read them, learn them, practice them, apply them, and share them with your significant other.  Open your mind and focus on these very concepts while envisioning the outcome you desire.  Remember, just as when working out and building muscle, it takes time to create the results you want.  Be patient, be consistent, and minimize your expectations by replacing them with gratitude and a true sense for love.

So if you are ready, let’s begin:

Secret #1 – Let go of hurtful past experiences

As humans with central nervous systems, we are designed to avoid painful situations and we become attracted to things that bring us comfort, happiness, security, and pleasure.  Although this makes logical sense, if not monitored, it can destroy our relationships based on our past experiences.  All that we know is in direct proportion to our past experiences and our emotional connection to them. For example, if you were in a past relationship where you were cheated on, then most likely you will develop some type of insecurity trusting your future mates because you want to protect yourself from getting hurt.  On that same note, if you were cheated on by a couple different mates in the past, then your belief system solidifies, and you tend to link those same patterns to all men/women and all trust is lost in future relationships.

If you want to enjoy the pleasures of true love, you will have to learn to let go of the past and allow yourself to feel emotionally once more.  If you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, then chances are that you are not giving the relationship 100% and the relationship will suffer because of it.  You have to learn that people will do what people do.  Some people will cheat and some won’t, some will steal and some won’t, some will love and some won’t.  You get the picture don’t you?  The past is the past, and there is nothing you can do about it.  Now, you need to enjoy the present and rebuild where you once left off.  Yes, you will most likely get disappointed, and yes you will most likely get hurt, and yes and yes and yes.  But through despair and through all the pain will come that sense of true love and happiness.  The act of loving has to be unconditional, unselfish, honest, open and constant.  Just as in poker, you have to be willing to go all in (give your full love).  If you do so, you have a 50/50 chance of winning, if not, then you should not be in a relationship because you already made the choice of losing.

After all, wouldn’t you rather live a life having loved fully even knowing that you got hurt at times, then not loving fully and always wondering what it could have been like?

Secret #2 – Most times, the one you are looking for is the one already standing next to you.

Do you remember a time when you got a new car?  You were so excited about it, you loved the new car smell, you wanted to drive it all the time, you would always keep it clean, and you would park it away from other cars so no one would dent the doors.  Are you there, do you remember?  Then time went by and the new car smell went away, you found it harder to keep it clean and sparkly, you drove it out of necessity but would rather have a bigger, newer, or more luxurious car.  If you took really good care of your car, chances are that it was an excellent and very reliable vehicle.  However, if you didn’t take good care of it, then chances are your car was worthless, unreliable, unsafe and a stressful experience.

This holds true to relationships.  In the beginning, most relationships start out exciting, passionate, spontaneous, meaningful and fun.  They can’t do enough for each other.  They go out of their way to make each other feel special, wanted, desired, etc.  They want to be with the other person all the time, they take care of each other, they communicate all the time through email, text, phone calls etc.  Then the day comes where complacency kicks in and communication dwindles.  They get busy with other things and don’t make it a priority to spend the same amount of time with each other.  A kiss is just a kiss, passion within the relationship goes into hibernation, they simply go through the motions and each day is as unexciting as the next.

It’s at this very stage where outside influences may damage the relationship and many people begin to look for a newer model.  The issue lies in the fact that we live in a very complex and competitive society where morals and values have been replaced by social status and the concept of finding happiness or love vs. creating it.

What if your mate was the only one left in the world?  What would you do then?  Would you continue to watch the relationship with him/her vaporize into nothing, or find new and exciting ways to recharge the passion and recreate what once existed.  Chances are that you would do whatever necessary to live a wonderful life within a fantastic relationship where all your needs were met.

Don’t forget why you fell in love with your mate in the first place.  Why you decided at that time that he/she was the perfect one for you.  Remember back at the whys behind the fun, passion, excitement etc. and then find new and fun ways of reconnecting and creating lasting love.  The act of loving has to be practiced and actively used everyday or it will become suffocated by the daily stresses of life.

It has been my experience that people that jump from relationship to relationship live a life of looking for love vs. creating it and end up alone or unfulfilled.

As a test, give your mate everything you have for 90 days.  Act as if you just met him/her and you are dating again for the first time.  Have fun doing so, create the time and eliminate all excuses such as kids, work, etc.  If you are not willing to recharge your relationship then who else will?

Secret #3 – Know thy self and master thy partner’s deepest desires

Most people go through life with no plan or blue print of that which they really want.  And when it comes to relationships, this issue compounds into an even greater problem because most people are unclear of what they want within their partner and let their emotions confuse them.  This is the point where we end-up in the relationship “black-hole” and find ourselves lost and searching for answers.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you fell in love with or bought a certain car and then all of a sudden you began to see it everywhere.  You see, the car was always there but your focus wasn’t.  When you shifted your focus on that particular vehicle, you then began to notice it more often.  This same rule applies to relationships, and the good news is that when you get clear on what you want, then you have a target to shoot for and the qualities that we want in people start to show up giving us a map for relationship success.

There are two steps to this process that are instrumental.  Step one is “know thy self” (the qualities you really want within your partner) and Step two is “master your partner’s deepest desires” (find out what they want and then give it to him/her).

Step one – “Know thy self”

In this step, you must list all your:

A)   Non-negotiables or your must haves.

B)    Preferred traits.  These are very important to you but you can settle for a bit less.

C)    It would be nice traits.  These traits would be nice within your partner but either way won’t impact the relationship.

My mate will be like this:

A) My partner must have these qualities: (the list below is just an example, you must write down the qualities that are most important to you.  Remember, these are must haves, and your partners failure to meet these traits would be a deal breaker).

i.e. I have a mate whom…

…believes in (type of religion)

…is loyal, honest and truthful

…is a non drug user

…is not a smoker

…is passionate

…is positive

…is humble

…willing to have kids with me

B) I prefer to have a mate whom: (here you list your preferred traits that have significant meaning to you but you are willing to be flexible on).

i.e. I prefer to have a mate whom…

…helps me clean the house

…is spontaneous

…is a sports enthusiast

…likes to cook

…is open minded to trying new foods

C) It would be nice to have a mate whom: (here you list the traits that would be nice for your mate to have but either way won’t affect the relationship)

i.e. It would be nice to have a mate whom…

…is organized

…is musically inclined

…is bi-lingual

…likes to sky dive

…likes to give massages

Step two – “Master thy partners deepest desires”

In this step have your partner do the same exercise and focus on that which is most important to them, and if you truly love your partner, make the necessary adjustments within yourself to fulfill their needs.

Once you go through this process, if you are single, then now you know what to look for in a future partner.  If you are already in a relationship, then pay close attention to each others desires and work on aligning them for the overall health of the relationship.  In order for this exercise to work, you have to put egos aside and listen intently to each others wishes.

It’s also a fantastic idea to get to know what you each want to accomplish such as material and personal growth.  Then help each other get there.

Secret #4 – Seek to understand and know the outcome you desire

Can you remember a time when you had a disagreement with your partner and you both got upset at each other.  You argued and tried to communicate what you wanted to get across but felt as if the conversation went around in circles and you each steered from the main issue and brought-up other things during the conversation that were unrelated but designed to be hurtful.  You ended the conversation with no true resolve, then waited a few days to cool off, made-up, but still felt unfulfilled with the outcome.  Well you are not alone.  Most couples go through this process and it’s one of the main reasons why tension builds-up in the relationship and cause even more issues as time passes than most any other thing.

There will always be times when while in the relationship you or your partner won’t agree on certain things, and will want to argue about something that is bothering you.  This is actually very healthy because a couple that doesn’t disagree at times, shows that one of the two people in the relationship is compromising way to much and this could lead to disaster.  It’s healthy to disagree and express ones opinion, as long as it’s done the right way.  Since emotions are very high during these moments, its important to get really clear on the outcome that you want to achieve and the issue at hand that you want to express.

First –

Get really clear as to the source of your frustration and the exact outcome you wish to achieve after expressing yourself.  Is the goal to make things worse or resolve the main issue?  Your goal should be to clearly articulate that which is bothering you in a way that your partner can understand where you are coming from.  If needed, write it out ahead of time for them to read or for you to use as an outline.

Second –

Communicate your issue ASAP and don’t wait to add more issues on top of it, otherwise the conversation will be much more strenuous and stressed.

Third –

Pick the right time to express how you feel at a time when your partner can give you their full attention without any distractions.  Let them know that something is bothering you, and that you need to talk to them as soon as you can.

Fourth –

ALWAYS TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT!!!  You must never curse at your partner nor call them hurtful names, as this will only have further destructive long-term effects that are nearly impossible to correct.  Remember, your goal is to always build your partner up and not break them down emotionally.  It’s easy to be an “ASS” and hurt the other person but it’s rewarding when in times of stress and adversity you can remain strong and not lose your composure.  Make an agreement between you that when you do argue, you can say a key word or sign that tells the other person that they are making you really angry or hurting you and that they need to redirect their communication.  If you feel that the conversation is not headed in the right direction, take a break to rethink the situation and how you want to express yourself.  Taking a step back or pausing to think before speaking is a very healthy practice that will make your communication more effective and have a more positive effect on the relationship.

Fifth –

Know your outcome.  What is the end result you really want to achieve when arguing or communicating what you are passionate about?  Do you want to correct the issue or make the issue worse?  Your communication will improve dramatically when you get super clear on the outcome that you wish to achieve.  Most of the time, we become emotional about something and make emotional comments or decisions that don’t make any sense and only add negative fuel to the fire.

If you are the one receiving the brunt of the communication or dealing with a partner who is upset about something, take a moment to think about why they are feeling this way.  Become the bigger person and listen intently before responding.  Ask yourself these following questions:  Why are they upset?  How can I make this better?  What can I learn from this?

Remember, if you want an outstanding relationship then you always need to take the high road and work at making it work.

Secret #5 – Know your true identity

Have you ever been in a situation whether at work or around other people where you had to pretend to be someone whom you were not?  How did you feel?  Did you feel empowered or disempowered?  Did you feel appreciated or unappreciated?  Did you feel confident or insecure?  Did you feel like you could be your best or as if you were setup to fail?

Chances are that if you are human, you have experienced this in the past and it wasn’t a pleasant experience.  As a matter of fact, about 50% of first time marriages with men/woman under the age of 45 end in divorce.  The leading cause for this is due to one or both people in the relationship losing their identity.

How and why is this possible?  Well, its simple.  In order to avoid confrontation, most of the time, one partner in the relationship gives up their internal power and slowly but surly forgets whom they are, and what they stand for.  I have seen relationships that end in total catastrophes because the people in the relationship didn’t manage their identities properly.

This may sound simple but simplicity works.  You must know who you are.  You must be comfortable and confident in your own skin.  You must love both the internal and the external you.  You must not allow anyone to change who you are or what you look like.  If you want to change something about yourself, you must make sure this is what you really want and then you will feel the sense of the true you.

Your identity is measured by your ability to love whom you’ve become, your ability to contribute to you own life, your experience to personal growth, your sense of feeling secure and the confidence you encompass.  Once you get to this emotional place then you will be able to reach new heights in both your personal and relationship life.

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